You should know by now that whenever I start my blogs I try to start with the beginning. There is a reason for this and one day you will all find out. So, back to why my father left me? This is a very strange question because it sort of already implies that my father did leave. Many of us are too afraid to ask these same questions.
Why is this? Why not ask, "why was my father out of my life?" Or, "why didn't he come to see me?" Or better yet, "why was this man chosen to be my father?" We are all looking for answers but we don't have the courage to ask. To ask if our dads were really that bad? To get the truth. We all deserve to get the answers to why we are fatherless. Hopefully, this blog of my story will help you find the courage to ask.
My beginning started when I was about 11 or 12 years old and my mom and I were watching a sitcom on television. I mustered up the courage to ask my mother "Ma, where is my dad?" She replied to me that he was married and basically moved on.
For some reason, I just left it at that. We all fall into this trend that keeps us trapped and unable to ask any more questions. We say, my mother is providing for me and how dare I ask her about this man who doesn't care enough about me to come to see me. Am I right?
So we just keep all of our questions to ourselves and live with it. Unfortunately, not getting to the truth is ruining a lot of us. We are stuck in that "web" and this could last for our entire life and the generation behind us.
The Answer I Was Given
I found out later after my mother passed that the answer I was given was the truth. My father who I never met was married and living his own life with his wife and children. How could this happen and why is this happening so much throughout society?
Why are we excepting this? My reason is that we are trapped in that web I talked about earlier and lack the courage to find out more. Fathers all over the world are leaving their children behind and we are just being told that he was just no good, that's why he left. I should've had the courage, when my mother was alive, to respectfully ask her some more questions.
For example, when my mother said my father was married and moved on. I should've asked was he married before you had me? I found out later that he wasn't. I also should've respectfully asked was he a mean person? I never heard that he was, even when I asked a few of his living relatives.
Was He That Bad?
I really wanted to know if he was a bad person, a person who my mother didn't want to be with and that might be the reason he was never there for me during my childhood. Was he a bad person is a question too many of us never get the chance to ask because it is already fixed in our heads, that he was.
If your dad or if you have problems with your anger, click on the image below to get the information you need.
Why else would a man leave his children and not try to contact them? Why would a man abandon his children while in the stomach of his wife? He had to be a bad person to do that, right? The answers might surprise you. But, I must admit that my mother never said anything negative about my father to me or in my presence, EVER! She never mentioned any of her children's fathers in a negative way.
The Truth I Found
So, you remember when I told you that the answer I was given was the truth. It was but not the whole truth. I did some research from within the family and I came up with an answer a little different then the one I got from my mother.
How many of you had the courage to ask your mom about why your dad went missing and all you were told was he was just bad or no good? Or, were given very vague examples of what he did. The ones that would keep you stuck and not wanting to ask any more questions.
The answer I found was from a family member who had been around my mother her entire childhood. She said my mom and dad were going to get married once my mom had me, I was in her stomach when she left, came back from getting everything set up in NY. They all lived in South Carolina in a small town call St. Mathews.
Red flag, I asked my relative "why was my mom going up north to find employment and not my father"? She said, "he was very ill and couldn't work." But the real reason they never got married was that after my mom had me and prior to coming back to SC from NY, she was pregnant by another man and this produced my younger brother, who is a real person. Both of my parents are now deceased so I can't get any information from either of them but this seems to be a true story.
The Courage To Ask
We all have had hidden in our minds, questions about our dads that we would like the answers to. Everyone's story is different but it seems as if we all have the same bad outcome and that is a bad person who left us hanging. He was never there for our games, practices or graduations.
All we do is take all of this anger with us into our relationships, share them with someone close to us just to get it thrown back into our face when an argument occurs.
We have to have the courage to respectfully ask questions that are difficult to answer. Ask an elder family member who will be biased about your mom and dad, and what actually happened. Finding the truth may be the beginning of you living in a healthier space.
Now, I know some of you are going to say my mom did me a favor for not marrying my father because he didn't seem like he was going to be much of a provider. I never looked at it like that. I just wanted my father to be a game, swim meet, or my basic training graduation. It doesn't take much to provide to do those things.
Also, I feel as if I am missing something. Something is not quite complete and I believe this comes from not having my dad in my life for my entire life.
Watch the video below of a young boy who explains to his mother how difficult it was growing up without his dad.
Please leave a comment and express what questions you have lingering inside of you that you want the answers to.